May 9, 2008
Friday
Posted by Pare under Eating the Pavement, Love, Men vs Women, Pain | Tags: curled into the fetal position, emotionally drained, has this made any sense at all?, please don't get mad abt this too, questions |I don’t know what to write, what to say, how to explain. I feel buried under mattresses so thick I couldn’t feel a pea even if you threw a frozen bag of hundreds in my face.
How did we end up here? There’s love – more than anyone even knows – so how is it we find ourselves so far down this ugly, painful path?
I can barely write. I can’t get anything to come out coherently. I can’t make anything beautiful from this mess.
You are the only man who understands, and yet you are the only man who doesn’t understand at all. How can I fix it? How can I stand up under the strain of that?
I love you with the marrow of my bones. You are intricately entwined in my life, as close as air. I will not give up on us.
I’m just bloody exhausted from the fight.
May 9, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Please believe me when I tell you that this is coming with the very best intentions…
It’s just NOT supposed to be this hard. You know (I think) that I went through something seemingly similar. I love(d) him completely but I couldn’t do it anymore.
Now it’s one year later and I am alone. I do still think about him and what it might have taken to make it work. But I’m no longer exhausted. And my tear ducts have finally replenished. I’m actually pushing pretty close to happy.
I would never say that it’s easier at 25 than it is at 35 because love is love, regardless. Just remember that love, in the long run, is supposed to build you up, not break you down.
You have all of my best bloggy thoughts coming your way. Most importantly, take care of yourself.
May 9, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I don’t know your story, and I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know whether this will help, but here goes. I’ll try to keep it brief.
Lancelot and I were together five years when things started to go pear-shaped. Love was never a problem. We always had that. But there was all this other stuff, this anger and confusion and resentment and immaturity, that was clogging up the works. We decided… no, that’s wrong. HE decided that he needed to move out.
And honestly, that was the best decision either one of us ever made. It saved us because it gave us the time and space we needed to grow up, figure shit out, and recognize the value of what we had. It took being apart to come back together again.
For what it’s worth.
Also, I’m sorry you’re hurting. Under those mattresses is miserable.
May 9, 2008 at 6:23 pm
you just made me cry.
good luck pare. i wish you guys well.
May 9, 2008 at 8:02 pm
A thought or two shared: Others hurt when you hurt, and care about you; the above comments show this clearly. Sharing your pain seems to me to be moving away some from it, and you are reaching out, both considerate moves. As I commented to one of your dear buddies recently, ‘Your patience is showing,’ and that’s good! Thoughts to you.
May 9, 2008 at 10:03 pm
I so totally understand this, love. I do. ((you))
May 9, 2008 at 11:20 pm
This time in your like is like a whirlwind of emotion and choices, passion and desperation, love and loneliness. It’s incredible and awful. It’s the time of your life, and a living nightmare. Only you can find your way through it.
But, as you can plainly see, you’re not alone. Never forget that.
May 10, 2008 at 12:20 am
If you need to further vent, you know where to go. Thinking of you!
May 13, 2008 at 12:17 pm
this is just horribly, achingly, punch-me-in-the-guts stunning.
i’ve been back four times to read it.
May 14, 2008 at 10:17 am
You’ve gotten some excellent advice here! I agree with Bandick, that love shouldn’t be this hard. Doesn’t mean it isn’t real love or a good love, but something isn’t working.
Also, as Gypsy said, sometimes a break away from each other is what it takes to make both of you realize how much you need to make it work.
All I can tell you from my own experiences, and so many of them ended really badly is two things:
1) never make the same mistake twice. If you’re not learning from your mistakes then you’re stuck in a (possible) destructive pattern - get out now.
2) I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, 16 of them married. Living Happily Ever After takes a hell of a lot of work to acheive, and there are always going to be rough patches. Honest and open communication is vital to the survival of any relationship, and in my experience, the lack of it is the ultimate killer of a love affair.
And that is my 25 cents worth of opinion.
I hate that you’re in such pain - love really stinks sometimes.